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Post a Joke......

Discussion in 'Chewing the fat' started by fisherman347, Oct 2, 2016.

  1. Master Baiter

    Master Baiter Well-Known Member

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    The Cynical Philosopher

    ♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year; not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
    ♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water
     
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  2. kev209

    kev209 Moderator

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    Love it
     
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  3. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    True love lasts forever
    It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
     
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  4. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Ooo Heaven is a place on earth
    Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park
     
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  5. AWL

    AWL Well-Known Member

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    Keep em coming boy's:D:D
     
  6. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    The wife left a note on the fridge...
    "Look, it's just not working. I cannot take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my mums!"
    I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was still cold...
    What the hell is she talking about?
     
  7. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

    Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

    One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'

    Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
    'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

    As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'

    Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.

    Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

    As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Charley stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his penis in his hand.

    'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that damn breathalyser test again.!!!'
     
  8. kev209

    kev209 Moderator

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    Good one
     
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  9. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

    There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"
     
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  10. kev209

    kev209 Moderator

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  11. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
     
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  12. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."
     
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  13. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Dave and Pete were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Darwin .


    One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the
    hangar with nothing to do....


    Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Pete says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and
    get a buzz.You wanna try it?'


    So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze
    and get completely smashed.


    The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!


    Then the phone rings. It's Pete. Pete says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'



    Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'



    Pete says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'



    Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.We ought to do this more often..'

    ' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

    'What's that?'

    'Have you farted yet?'

    'No.'

    'Well, DON’T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand '
     
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  14. creekboy

    creekboy Well-Known Member

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    Great again, Noel. Where the heck do you get them from? Cheers, creekboy.
     
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  15. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    There's thousands on the internet Lyall.
     
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  16. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

    A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
     
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  17. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

    Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."

    Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
    An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did you pay our charity pledge cheque to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"


    "No, sweetheart," she responds.

    Abe, still shaken from the crash landing then asks, "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?

    "Oh, no I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says
    "One last thing, Esther, did you remember to send a cheque for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?" he asks.


    "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

    Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss in 40 years.
    Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"


    Abe answers......... "They'll find us."
     
  18. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN
    AND SEE A MOVIE.

    THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,

    "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

    [​IMG]





    THE OLD FARMER SAID,
    "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.

    WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

    "I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT
    "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

    THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER

    AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.
    THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,
    BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

    HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO

    TWO OLD WIDOWS
    NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

    [​IMG]




    THE MOVIE STARTED
    AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . .
    THE OLD FARMER
    UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO

    CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT
    AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

    "MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

    "WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

    "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME

    IS A PERVERT."

    "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

    "HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND

    HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

    "WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE..

    "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

    "I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,

    "BUT THIS ONE'S
    EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"
     
  19. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

    A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
     
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  20. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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