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Discussion in 'Chewing the fat' started by fisherman347, Oct 2, 2016.
A few more good ones there. Cheers, creekboy.
DON BURKE, cheers davo
Sometimes we Seniors don't Understand Directions...
I went to my nearby Boots Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.
The Pharmacist came over, smiled and asked if he could help me.
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?”
Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.
He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!"
I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"
I'm not allowed to go back to that Boots, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore.
Ripper, Noel. Cheers, creekboy.
Here's one I particularly like. That's my sick sense of humour.
At one point during a ball game, the coach called one of his 9 year old players aside and asked
“Do you know what cooperation is? What a team is”?
“Yes coach’ the lad replied.
“Do you understand what really matters is that we win the game, and win it as a team”?
The young fellow nodded in the affirmative.
“So” the coach continued “When an ‘out’ is called, you shouldn’t curse, argue, attack the umpire, or call him an arsehole. Do you understand that”?
Again the boy nodded in agreement.
The coach continued—
“And when I take you out of the game to give another fellow a chance to play, it’s not a dumb arse decision, nor is the coach a **** head is that right”?
“Yes I understand that coach”.
“Good, now you go over there and explain all that to your grandmother”.
Only the English could invent a language like this.
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
What a language.........
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns.
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than 5 miles down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours' daughter. I'm 42, my husband is 45, and the neighbours' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him any more.
Can you please help?
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
They just keep on coming. A bit like the Girl who thought an endless belt was a night out with a sailor. Cheers, creekboy.
A man is in court on trial. The judge says, "On the 3rd August, you were accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Another man at the back of the courtroom stands up and shouts, "You dirty rat!" The judge asks the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise. The judge then continues, "...and also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty," says the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stands up and shouts even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat!" At this point the Judge calls the loud man to the bench and says, "I have already asked you to be quiet. If you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship do you have with this man?" He replies, "He is my next door neighbor." The judge replies, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments." The man replied "No, your honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!"
Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge. Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f*cking Goofy!"
As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.
For example, my G.P. referred me to a female urologist.
I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous, mid 30s, beautiful and unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
When I asked her why, she replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."
There once was a magician who worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. His audience was different each week, so he was able to use the same tricks over and over.
This wouldn’t have been a problem, except that the captain’s parrot always sat in on the show. Over time, it learned all of the tricks, and would start calling out things in the middle of the show like ‘Look, it’s a different hat!’, or ‘Look! The flowers are under the table!’.
The magician found this extremely frustrating, but couldn’t do anything – it was the captain’s parrot after all.
One day, there was a storm and the ship sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of drift wood in the middle of the ocean. Of course, the parrot was at his side.
They sat, silently staring at each other for several days. Finally the parrot spoke up: 'Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?'
This is a public service message for Women to better understand the Bloke.
Because I'm a bloke, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling a locksmith is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a bloke, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another bloke shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.
Because I'm a bloke, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a bloke, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (FYI fellas: cumin is a spice, apparently, and not a bodily function).
Because I'm a bloke, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a bloke, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.
Because I'm a bloke, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always fishing, sex, cars or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a bloke, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come and visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a bloke, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a bloke, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a bloke, and this is, after all, the year 2017, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
Both. Cheers, creekboy.
Would it matter????????
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "New Zealand sir".
"You're joking! Why did you leave New Zealand?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and rugby players over there."
"My wife is from New Zealand!!"
The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"