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Post a Joke......

Discussion in 'Chewing the fat' started by fisherman347, Oct 2, 2016.

  1. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

    A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The doctor says, "What's so funny?" She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."

    A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
     
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  2. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    A pessimist just sees a dark scary tunnel
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    An optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
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    A realist sees a freight train coming
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    The train driver sees three efwits standing on the track.!
     
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  3. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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  4. Master Baiter

    Master Baiter Well-Known Member

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    Subject: For greenies
    A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bushland in northern NSW . There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big gum.

    As she neared the top she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

    In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, vegetarian, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

    She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

    He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, Native Vegetation, Parks and Wildlife service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

    And I'm sorry, they turned you down.
     
  5. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    To all my intelligent friends – a brain teaser

    See if you can figure out what these words have in common.......

    1 Banana
    2 Dresser
    3 Grammar
    4 Potato
    5 Revive
    6 Uneven
    7 Assess


    Are you peeking or have you already given up?
    Give it another try . Look at each word carefully.

    Answers in another post to stop cheating.
     
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  6. blair

    blair Well-Known Member

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    Buggered if I know
     
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  7. kev209

    kev209 Well-Known Member

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    I'm with you Blair
     
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  8. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    I know the answer to that, but I won't give it away.

    Jeff
     
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  9. kev209

    kev209 Well-Known Member

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    Give ya a lolly
     
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  10. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    Okay, I'm open to bribes.

    Take the 1st letter off each word and they all spell the same backwards as forwards.

    Sorry Noel, but he did offer me a lolly. :rolleyes:

    Jeff
     
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  11. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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  12. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Good try Jeff but I want the lolly!!! You don't deserve it.
    You forgot to tell that you have to put the first letter on the other end.
    You have taken a bribe and defaulted-- almost a criminal offence.
    I love lollies too. Kev- almost chargeable as an accessory to/or after the fact
    Noel
    Ruined my joke too. Some people will do anything for profit.
     
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  13. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Treat the previous post as an official protest.....
     
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  14. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    I'll go you halves.
     
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  15. blair

    blair Well-Known Member

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    I knew there was some sort of similarity I doubt I would have ever figured it out.
    I think Diesel also deserves a gold star stuck on his forehead.;)
     
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  16. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Talk about wheelers and dealers-what do you mean HALF A LOLLY that you earned in an offensive act (and got it wrong)
    Is you second name Donald perchance Jeff?
    Blair, how can you support a petty criminal?
    I think he wants a kick in the bum for lowering the integrity of the site.
    Might have to rewrite the threat to not leave TBX.
    Noel
    Some would say half a lolly's better than none.
     
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  17. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    It is said that 'all's fair in love & war', but that doesn't apply to lollies.
     
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  18. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Cheapskate
     
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  19. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    368_550x550_Front_Color-White.jpg
     
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  20. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Probably not wise to agree.
     
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