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Post a Joke......

Discussion in 'Chewing the fat' started by fisherman347, Oct 2, 2016.

  1. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
     
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  2. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
    Johnny: "Seven."
    Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
    Johnny: "Seven."
    Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
    Johnny: "Six."
    Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
    Johnny: "Seven!"
    Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
    Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
     
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  3. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."
     
    blair, Master Baiter, diesel and 4 others like this.
  4. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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  5. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."


    In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."


    Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
    Student: "A drinking problem."
     
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  6. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

    Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

    On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

    I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
     
    blair, kev209, creekboy and 2 others like this.
  7. creekboy

    creekboy Well-Known Member

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    That is certainly food for thought, Diesel. The maths are correct this time. Cheers, creekboy.
     
    kev209, Old fisho and diesel like this.
  8. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Lyall, I don't particularly wish to know much about either option, but agree with your comment.
     
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  9. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
    The taste.

    Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
    911: Alright, What is it?
    Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
    911: So what's your emergency?
    Boy: The ugly one is winning.

    A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
     
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  10. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
     
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  11. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
     
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  12. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    A man goes into Angus and Robertsons and asks the young female clerk, "Do you have the new book that’s out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title."

    She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

    "That's the one,"
    the man said, "I'll take a copy."

    Jeff :D
     
  13. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

    The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

    "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

    "My wife's."
    ''What happened to her?"


    "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
    He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

    The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

    A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

    "Can I borrow the dog?"

    The man replied, "Get in line."
     
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  14. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”


    "Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."
     
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  15. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    Now, this is how to sell a car.
    image001.jpg

    Jeff :D
     
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  16. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Awesome Jeff....
     
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  17. creekboy

    creekboy Well-Known Member

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    X2. Cheers, creekboy.
     
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  18. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"


    A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
     
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  19. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    A woman goes into a large tackle shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
    She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
    The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
    She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
    He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
    She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
    He says, "That's a six and a half Shakespeare graphite rod with a Abu Garcia spinning reel and 10 lb mono line.
    It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."


    She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
    As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
    "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

    As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
    At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
    The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
    The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
    "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
    "The duck caller is $11, and the bag of mullet gut is $3.50."
    he replied.
     
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  20. creekboy

    creekboy Well-Known Member

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    Another couple of "GEMS".Cheers, creekboy.
     
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