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Post a Joke......

Discussion in 'Chewing the fat' started by fisherman347, Oct 2, 2016.

  1. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    I may have to change my plea.

    It seems that pleading insanity won't cut it just because of my addiction to snorting Sax Scent.


    insanity-defense-n.jpg
     
    Kev209., creekboy, blair and 2 others like this.
  2. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    And I always thought it had an 'E' in it.
    Noel
    'Curious and curiouser' as Alice said (or was that the Mad Hatter?)
     
    creekboy, blair, kev209 and 1 other person like this.
  3. blair

    blair Well-Known Member

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    I am not sure I could be friends whith that bloke in the picture, theres something fishy about him.
     
    Kev209., creekboy, Old fisho and 2 others like this.
  4. DeeBeeKay

    DeeBeeKay Well-Known Member

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    A Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell.

    The wife said "Where are you, you know we have lots to do." He said "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

    Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up …

    "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

    "Well I am in the motorcycle shop next door to that."
     
    Kev209., blair, Dickson and 4 others like this.
  5. Dickson

    Dickson Well-Known Member

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    Jul 13, 2019
    Defending champions Russia will be allowed to take part in next year’s presidential election as normal, it has been confirmed.

    With yesterday’s announcement that Russia would be banned from competing in international sporting events for at least four years, many feared that the sanction would extend to international political contests too.

    But officials have given Russia the green light to take part in all international political events, pointing out that compared with tampering with urine samples, meddling with election results wasn’t really a big deal.

    “Sure, they may have tampered with the odd presidential race here and there, but let’s get things into perspective – it’s someone running president, not the 100 metres men’s final,” one official said.

    Fans were happy with the decision, saying Russia had become a much-loved part of US elections.

    “Russia is such a fearless competitor, it just wouldn’t be the same without them here. They’re going to be hard to beat again next year,” one American politics fan said.

    US President Donald Trump praised the decision, saying that apart from a 465-page FBI report, there is no evidence to suggest that Russia had ever interfered with elections.

    Russia will compete in a warm-up event in Britain later this month.
     
    Kev209., Old fisho, DeeBeeKay and 2 others like this.
  6. Dickson

    Dickson Well-Known Member

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    A plumber who was called in to do some urgent pre-Christmas repairs at Scott Morrison’s Canberra residence has followed the Prime Minister’s lead and pissed off to Hawaii for a week.

    In an interview this morning, Mr Morrison said a Prime Minister leaving the country in the midst of the country’s worst bushfire crisis was like a plumber taking an extra contract on a Friday afternoon. Plumber Dan Peterson naturally assumed that the reverse must also be true.

    “When I got the call from Scomo saying his toilet was blocked and would I do one-last job before knocking off for Christmas, I thought yeah no worries, that’s basically the same as taking the kids to Honolulu for a week. So I jumped on the next flight”.

    Peterson said Mr Morrison’s explanation has given him a whole new way of looking at work. “I never realised that taking on more work was the same thing as taking a week off from work, but this guy’s obviously smarter than me, so I’ll take his lead”.

    He said he would claim full credit for the job once he returned.

    Asked what the problem with Mr Morrison and his toilet was, Peterson said it was full of ****. He didn’t say what was wrong with the toilet.
     
    creekboy, kev209, Rod Bender and 2 others like this.
  7. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Subject: Grammar Lesson

    No English dictionary
    has been able to adequately explain the difference
    between these two words - "Complete" and "Finished”.
    In a recent linguistic competition held in London and
    attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar
    Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a
    standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

    The final question was:
    “How do you explain the difference between
    COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to
    understand?
    Some people say there is no difference between
    COMPLETE and FINISHED.”

    Here is his astute answer:
    "When you marry the right woman, you are
    COMPLETE.
    When you marry the wrong woman, you are
    FINISHED.
    And, when the right one catches you with the wrong
    one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

    He won a trip around the world
    and a case of 25-year old Scotch!
     
  8. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    ZEN TEACHINGS

    1.
    Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.

    Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
    Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
    In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

    2.
    Sex is like air.
    It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

    3.
    No one is listening, until you pass wind.

    4.
    Always remember you're unique.
    Just like everyone else.

    5.
    Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

    6.
    If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead,
    try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

    7.
    Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
    That way, when you criticize them,
    you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

    8.
    If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    9.
    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
    Teach him how to fish, and he will
    sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

    10.
    If you lend someone £20 and never see that
    person again, it was probably well worth it.


    11.
    If you tell the truth,
    you don't have to remember anything.

    12.
    Some days you are the dog,
    some days you are the tree.

    13.
    Don't worry; it only
    seems kinky the first time.

    14.
    Good judgement comes from bad experience ..
    and most of that comes from bad judgement.

    15.
    A closed mouth gathers no foot.

    16.
    There are two excellent theories for arguing with women.
    Neither one works.

    17.
    Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

    18.
    Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    19.
    We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse -
    then things just keep getting worse.

    20.
    Never under any circumstances take a
    sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
     
    Kev209., creekboy, blair and 2 others like this.
  9. Dickson

    Dickson Well-Known Member

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  10. blair

    blair Well-Known Member

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    ha ha keep em coming boys, that's the best easy to understand grammer lesson I have ever had!
     
    Kev209., creekboy and kev209 like this.
  11. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    Sep 23, 2016
    Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
    This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
    Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
    Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
    A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
    Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
    Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
    Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SH1T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SH1T they give our citizens.
    Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH1T, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SH1T you can handle.
    Sincerely,
    The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

    PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
     
    Kev209., creekboy, Old fisho and 2 others like this.
  12. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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  13. blair

    blair Well-Known Member

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    ha ha
     
    creekboy, Old fisho and kev209 like this.
  14. kev209

    kev209 Well-Known Member

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    X 2
     
    Old fisho and creekboy like this.
  15. Master Baiter

    Master Baiter Well-Known Member

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  16. Abed Bahnam

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  17. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    I sure didn't 'like' this Post.
    I consider it bad and should be removed by management as
    inappropriate for our forum, but,
    perhaps they are paid to put ad's in here. I don't of course know if that's true.

    If it's a 'JOKE' as the forum title suggests, it's bloody sick.
    Noel
    Respects our site and is game enough to say so!!!!
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2020
    Kev209. and diesel like this.
  18. blair

    blair Well-Known Member

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    ha ha , it is a joke! might buy myself some driver licences in case I go overseas and a Mexican divorce licence in case I get married to a Mexican.
    Crooks must love whats available.
     
    Kev209., diesel and Madfisher like this.
  19. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    Sep 23, 2016
  20. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    A husband wreaking of whiskey and cigarette smoke staggers in the front door of his house at 4.30 on a Sunday morning. He fumbles his way to the bedroom where he gently wakes his sleeping wife.

    " What do you want ? " she says

    He says " I'm terribly sorry but I've just lost you in a poker game ! "

    Wife replies angrily " YOU WHAT ? "

    " I'm sorry love - I've just lost you in a poker game " was his reply

    She says " How could you possibly do such a thing ? "


    He said " It wasn't easy love - I had to fold with four aces ! "
     
    Dickson, Old fisho, Kev209. and 2 others like this.

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