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Post a Joke......

Discussion in 'Chewing the fat' started by fisherman347, Oct 2, 2016.

  1. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

    Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

    Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
    For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

    About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

    She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
    I don't even know who you are!'

    The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
     
  2. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    A couple had been married for 50 years.

    They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

    'I know,' the old man said.

    'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

    'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

    Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

    'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,

    'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

    'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.

    'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
     
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  3. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    At last, confirmation of 'Murphy's Law' with a wonderful Irish explanation:

    Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor, and lo & behold.......and it lands butter-side-up.

    He looks down in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down. So, he rushes round to the Parish to fetch Father Flanagan.

    He tells the Priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. He won't say what it is, but asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

    He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
    "Well," says the Priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

    “No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy.

    "Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "Dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle.... but wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop, and, he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people around to interview you, take photos, etc."

    A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the Archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.

    Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

    "It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out."

    "Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle', because they think .. . .





    Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"
     
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  4. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    pretty cool Jeff.
     
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  5. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

    He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

    With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

    The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"

    The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."
     
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  6. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    A man comes home, finds his wife in bed with another man, and asks, “What is this?!?” The wife turns to her lover and says, “See, I told you he was stupid!”

    A kid is on his lawn, playing with mud. A man walks up to him and asks, “What are you doing?” The kid says, “Making a smart potion. Would you like some?” So the man says, “Sure. I’ll try some.” So the kid gives the man a bit of the mud in a cup to drink. When the man drank it, he yelled, “Blech! This is mud!” So the kid says, “See, getting smarter already.”

    A man asks a woman, "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" The woman responds, "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

    "If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

    A blonde decided to paint a room. When her husband got home, he asked, "Why are you wearing an Alaskan and a winter coat?" She replied, "The can said for best results apply 2 coats."


    Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

    Have a good day.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2018
  7. Missniss

    Missniss Well-Known Member

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    I am a September baby, thanks for the image lol
     
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  8. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Hello Sandy. Great to have you on board TBX. I wish we had more of the fairer sex among us. Can only hope you have a sense of humour and can take a joke. It seems so. Noel.
     
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  9. Missniss

    Missniss Well-Known Member

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    I can take a joke better than anyone I think :)
    Some of my jokes even make my male mates cringe lol Best to be told around a camp fire, not online :)
    Fairer sex? lol even my son just laughed, 'tis said that I have bigger b@lls than most of my mates. Son just said "Definitely not the one you take home to introduce to your mum" Thanks kiddo lol
     
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  10. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    For a 78+ yo, it's rather sweet to be called kiddo by a face that appear somewhat more juvenile. Thank you. Made my day.. lol to you.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2018
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  11. Missniss

    Missniss Well-Known Member

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    Yeah I'm not too bad for approaching 50 :) I asked my sons what they were planning on doing for my 50th, they said "What ever the nursing home allows"
     
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  12. Missniss

    Missniss Well-Known Member

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    Blonde joke.JPG
    Self explanatory really :)
     
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  13. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Nasty little critters, but Hahahaha
     
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  14. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    That's cool.. What do you do in the way of fishing and where?
     
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  15. Missniss

    Missniss Well-Known Member

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    I used to be spoilt years ago, I worked on trawlers. But loved handline fishing out at sea the best.
    Once kids came along, used to fish around Bundaberg, Gladstone and Mackay areas in the estuararies.
    Now, living in the middle of no where in NSW, we (my son and I) are fishing every fresh water hole we come across.
    Heading to Nyngan carp muster next weekend. But mainly go to Wyangala dam. Love camping where no one is, hate neighbours at home, hate them even more when camping :)
     
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  16. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Sandy, We're down on NSW south coast. Have done most forms of fishing, but these days mostly chase flatties in our lake here. One of, and perhaps the best lake on the south coast. Have a place at Lake Eucumbene and hope to get there for a week or so next week. Love my trout fly fishing in the mountains. We haven't camped for years after spending six years on the caravanning road. Enjoy TBX, and welcome again.
     
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  17. Missniss

    Missniss Well-Known Member

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    That is next on our "legend list" hate calling it a bucket list, is trout fishing, would love to learn how to cast a fly
    Sorry guys, got a tad off track on this thread
     
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  18. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    You could and should. It must be easy if I can do it.
     
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  19. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    I walked into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

    The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

    She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

    I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

    The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

    When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:


    * 1/3 ownership in the store,

    * a company vehicle,

    * a king size bed and

    * $3,000 a month in living expenses."
     
  20. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    When do you start work?
     
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