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Post a Joke......

Discussion in 'Chewing the fat' started by fisherman347, Oct 2, 2016.

  1. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

    The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, why?"

    The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is just about dead."

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

    The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around and around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him feel better."

    Tonto said, "Yes Kemosabe." and took off running circles around Silver.

    Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

    The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

    The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you've left your injun runnin".
     
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  2. blair

    blair Well-Known Member

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    whats the difference between a caucus and a cactus?
    the cactus has the pricks on the outside!
     
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  3. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    A true story for a change (in here at least); I was reading the other day about the restrictions on driving after surgeries like the one I have Monday next.

    There was a list of various activities and the level of heart stress involved.
    I read that sex uses as much energy as walking up two flights of stairs.
    If that's right; why do we never see people sleeping at the top?
     
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  4. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in the pub, so one night he took her along with him.

    "What'll you have?" he asked.

    "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

    “A couple of schooners of Old thanks mate,” he says to the barman.

    When they came he skolled his straight down.

    His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

    "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

    "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
     
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  5. creekboy

    creekboy Well-Known Member

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    More words of wisdom in that one, Jeff. Cheers, Lyall.
     
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  6. blair

    blair Well-Known Member

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    whats round,black and smelly and roots wombats?
    a bfgoodrich all terain at 110kph!
     
  7. blair

    blair Well-Known Member

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    ha ha ha.
    wheather permitting I will at anglers reach from 14th june (arvo) till 17th in a white Isuzu dmax whith tinny in tow, not my tinny my mate wants to use his, come over and say gooday if u there or any one else on forum.
    cheers
     
  8. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Blair. After some surgery a couple of weeks ago; I'm not going anywhere for about another month. As you drive into Anglers Reach; our site is the first big one on the left of the road before you reach the office. Say Hello to Joyce in the office for us. If son Peter is there, go over say g'day. I'll see Peter tomorrow and advise if he might be there. He's an excellent fly fisher. He drives a silver grey Hi-Lux twin cab. Noel
     
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  9. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Does that suggest you've tested them? Noel
     
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  10. blair

    blair Well-Known Member

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    ha ha no nearly a few times. I will keep my eye out for pete he may be able to help convert my friend Anthony into a fly fisher.
    cheers blair
     
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  11. blair

    blair Well-Known Member

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    hi noel.
    wont be going to anglers reach, wheathers going to be bit windy snow would be good to see the snow though.
    cheers blair
     
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  12. Hen and Chook

    Hen and Chook Active Member

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    Unfortunately the man who invented "Fairy Bread" passed away recently. Apparently there's going to be hundreds and thousands at his funeral.

    Chook
     
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  13. creekboy

    creekboy Well-Known Member

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    Good one, Chook. Cheers, creekboy.
     
  14. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    A husband walks into David Jones to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

    Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

    Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the refund for myself.'

    She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

    The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500 they'd at least ironed it!'

    He never heard the shot.

    Funeral on Tuesday at noon.
     
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  15. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British."

    One week later, the state's Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia, reported the following:

    After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia's Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely stuff all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless.

    Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian, doesn't it?
     
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  16. creekboy

    creekboy Well-Known Member

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    Good stuff there again , Jeff. Cheers, Lyall.
     
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  17. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS

    Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Woolworths.

    Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
     
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  18. creekboy

    creekboy Well-Known Member

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    Totally brilliant, Noel. One of the best yet. Cheers, Lyall.
     
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  19. blair

    blair Well-Known Member

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    ha ha good one,do u find yourself lunging at cats now?
     
  20. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
    One day a young man enters the store.
    Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please!", the man says.
    The shop assistant climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
    The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
    When she descends the ladder, he decides that he would really like two loaves.
    After she retrieves the second loaf of bread and descends the ladder, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
    Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
    Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
    "No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

    *****************************************************************************************

    Warning To All Men

    Yesterday, scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

    The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

    To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

    It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

    No further testing is planned.
     
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